Men and Women Suffer Alike

(Photo from Bing)

Most think women suffer the most once a child has passed away.  In speaking with my brother who lost his oldest son a few months after my Sierra passed away, he experienced the same common feelings as a mother does, who has loosed a child.

I would love to extend my ear, heart and time to any suffer fathers out there who needs someone to listen and speak with about what they are experiencing after the loss of a child.  I’m no therapist just a parent who has loosed.

We understand one another and I do know often, in marriages and relationships this can cause a rift for short periods of times and sometimes forever, because both are grieving and do not know how to place the feeling and pain associated with loosing a child.

I started this blog in all sincerity to help other parents in the grieving and healing process so that we may pay it forward to other parents as we heal and become stronger. Knowing my experience and how I felt, what I lacked and the support that was and was not available, I want to be a bridge for another parent who needs someone who understands what you are feeling and hopefully help in the healing process as best I can.

We never totally get over it, because our children are a part of us and we have experienced a real loss. In time the pain does subside and we will do better from day-to-day, not to say somethings will not hit you like a lead balloon, just as you feel you are on the path to healing.  We are human and this hurts.

Lets Talk

Happy Holidays Suffering with Guilt

 photo from the internet

After loosing a child, holidays just were not the same to me for years, and still today.  I feel bad sometimes because I feel that I am shortchanging  myself on life.  Well, I am currently completing a grad degree, working on my health and the girls on vacation with great grandparents.  This time, I don’t have to come face to face with the guilt.  I pray one day after this year, my normal can be somewhat renewed.

The one thing we can offer each other is support and the perfect phrase

“We will never get over it but, in time, it gets better.”

If you have a strong family bond and you have an outlet, try to take part in a family gathering.  Its harder to create the gatherings, rather than to attend them.  My family and friends, still don’t understand. I don’t expect them to and hope they will never literally have to understand by experience.

This year, might be my year to go to a July celebration, outdoors sponsored by our State. That will be so much easier, well that’s what I am thinking at this moment.

Give yourself steps and plateaus’ to your healing.  I gave myself a few weeks or months to stay in one place, then I moved on and upward to tackle the other feelings I experienced a long the way.  I didn’t stay in one place too long.

Happy Holidays try to enjoy yourself, to your level of enjoyment.

Afraid to Love

How did you feel when your child passed away, having to care for other children?

I  felt numb, I was at a point were I could not love or reach out to my son. I felt as if, he would be taken away too and if I got to close to him, he would be gone.

How strange is that? I had to care for a two-old and four-year old grand daughters, that was different. But, my son, how does he heal from this double blow.  I did not shut him out but, I was afraid to love him. I changed, I loved him differently. I prayed and cared for him the same but there was a mental, defensive loving block.

My son is so much like myself, he is quiet and deals with things internally, we do not show what is eating us on the inside, on our sleeves. I always talked to my kids about the process of life and death, so I did not know where he was in his healing process at all.

I have watched my grand daughters grow into some beautiful intelligent young ladies. They are goofy, sensitive and so caring. Typical little girls. Now the thought creeps into my mind, will  they be taken away from me. I find myself absorbing them, they look at me sometimes like, “What?”

How do we process and deal with the issue of, being afraid to love? I deal with it by doing a lot of things to create memories, things we can all do together.  The one thing my father did which was significant to me once I lost him, he created memories. We did so much together we spent a lot quality time do things one on one with us, meaning his children.

I often find myself taking my grandchildren out to events, parks or just to eat, sitting across from them so they get to look into my eyes and be candid with me as I with them. I act goofy and silly with them around the house so they can think back if just for a moment, and remember a time, and smile.

Afraid to love, is a reality, but it can be overcome by creativity and the willingness to push forward. Each day is another day to get it right, which there is no wrong or right way.  We have a do over, we have a chance to rewrite our future. Let us not remain in that place of emptiness and bareness, afraid to love and go on with life. There are others who need us in order for their process to be successful as well. This set back in our life, not only affects us but the ones who look up to us for guidance and love as well.

Bye the way, my son and I are back to sharing hugs and that loving touch once again.

  in memory of Sierra Varner

Picture this

 Google photo

I just wanted to share a picture that I found.  I pray that whoever looks upon this photo will be blessed with another level of healing today.

Healing

Never Would’ve Made It – Marvin Sapp: http://youtu.be/7JXFg5KEoXg

This song was very instrumental in my healing process.

Youtube video

Song:  Never Would Have Made it

Marvin Sapp