The Ties That Binds

I am getting through year 8 of my Sierra’s departure. I usually plan our family vacation around the dates of her tragic end.  This year, I could not afford to take a family vacation, due to embarking on the completion of grad school.

The strangest thing I noticed, my grand daughters do not seem bothered by this time of the year.  We have gone on family vacation for the past 7yrs. around those dates in August. I planned it that way so they would only remember good times and travel. This year My youngest granddaughter wanted to go to school but the oldest took off to hang out with me.

My family made an extra effort to celebrate my birthday August 10th this year, we had an awesome time. I had two other cousins to come in town, one from Texas and the other from Virginia on the last weekend of the month.  We had another family outing and it was filled with so much love and fun. I mentally emotionally and physically captured this beautiful moment in time. God replaced what could not  happen in travel, with love all around me.

Family, the tie that binds. Thank you Lord for Family support this month during this emotional crunch time.

Missing you everyday

Sierra Varner 10/86 – 8/07

Men and Women Suffer Alike

(Photo from Bing)

Most think women suffer the most once a child has passed away.  In speaking with my brother who lost his oldest son a few months after my Sierra passed away, he experienced the same common feelings as a mother does, who has loosed a child.

I would love to extend my ear, heart and time to any suffer fathers out there who needs someone to listen and speak with about what they are experiencing after the loss of a child.  I’m no therapist just a parent who has loosed.

We understand one another and I do know often, in marriages and relationships this can cause a rift for short periods of times and sometimes forever, because both are grieving and do not know how to place the feeling and pain associated with loosing a child.

I started this blog in all sincerity to help other parents in the grieving and healing process so that we may pay it forward to other parents as we heal and become stronger. Knowing my experience and how I felt, what I lacked and the support that was and was not available, I want to be a bridge for another parent who needs someone who understands what you are feeling and hopefully help in the healing process as best I can.

We never totally get over it, because our children are a part of us and we have experienced a real loss. In time the pain does subside and we will do better from day-to-day, not to say somethings will not hit you like a lead balloon, just as you feel you are on the path to healing.  We are human and this hurts.

Lets Talk

Happy Holidays Suffering with Guilt

 photo from the internet

After loosing a child, holidays just were not the same to me for years, and still today.  I feel bad sometimes because I feel that I am shortchanging  myself on life.  Well, I am currently completing a grad degree, working on my health and the girls on vacation with great grandparents.  This time, I don’t have to come face to face with the guilt.  I pray one day after this year, my normal can be somewhat renewed.

The one thing we can offer each other is support and the perfect phrase

“We will never get over it but, in time, it gets better.”

If you have a strong family bond and you have an outlet, try to take part in a family gathering.  Its harder to create the gatherings, rather than to attend them.  My family and friends, still don’t understand. I don’t expect them to and hope they will never literally have to understand by experience.

This year, might be my year to go to a July celebration, outdoors sponsored by our State. That will be so much easier, well that’s what I am thinking at this moment.

Give yourself steps and plateaus’ to your healing.  I gave myself a few weeks or months to stay in one place, then I moved on and upward to tackle the other feelings I experienced a long the way.  I didn’t stay in one place too long.

Happy Holidays try to enjoy yourself, to your level of enjoyment.

Sadness in the Joy

I experience some sadness in my joy.  On this journey after reality has well set in, you will find yourself, experiencing sadness, in the time of joy.

The best way for me to explain this is, on Mothers Day, my grand daughters are so excited and want to do special things for me, but I am saddened to tears because their mom isn’t here. Children are over comers and are very resilient, they get through hard times much easier than adults.

I had to visit my youngest grand daughters school today because it was discovered she has ADHD and a mild learning disability.  They asked what was my concerns for her.  I had to hold back the tears, I felt a bit sadden because their mom is not here.  I felt as if I was meeting with a group of Angels who truly cared for my baby. So much joy, to feeling of sadness.

Why do I keep feeling this way, I am mom now.  My youngest told me just last week, “you are my mom.”  She had just turned two when my Sierra passed and do not have the memories as my granddaughter does, who is two years older.

I guess deep inside I love having my mom here  and still feel like that helpless little girl at some rough turns in life, I can still pick up the phone and call my mom.

You, we are not alone.  God will provide us with those Angels in the outfield to be comfort and help us through the good and not so good days.

Lets reach out to each other and be there to lighten some of the bad and good days.

“Lord, please help us through this Sadness in the time of Joy.”

How can we help each other?

Food for thought, I wanted to pose this question since there are a lot different experiences in just one occurrence of loosing a child.

1) How can you help someone else who are new at coming to grips with the loss of a child?

2) Can you help someone who are about to lose a child through a serious illness?

3) Can you help someone who has lost a child quite some time ago and still are struggling with depression, guilt and or longing?

4) what advice can you offer?

5) Can you be there for someone else, without suffering a setback into your experience?

I feel these questions are important.  If we can utilize our experiences and come together to help one another, just think of the multitudes of healing we can create.  I always feel a tug on my heart when I see parents on television crying or in mourning after loosing a child.  I want to be there and just hug them, no words, just a sobering loving hug.

I had a supervisor once on my job to come to me and discuss a loss of one of her friends.  This event was on the news, it was tragic. When this co worker that I did not know prior, came to work, my supervisor introduced her to me.  I just stood up and hugged her, and she just held on to me.  I gave her my phone number and told her, at any time of the night or day, if she wanted to talk to just call me.

We kept in touch, I would check on her a couple times a week via IM, and I would go to her floor just to stop by and look in her eyes.  She appreciated my attentiveness.

Moving beyond the pain is very important.  What is more important is for those of us who can afford to help, to come together and reach out.

  picture from Focus on the Family, via Facebook.

Healing

Never Would’ve Made It – Marvin Sapp: http://youtu.be/7JXFg5KEoXg

This song was very instrumental in my healing process.

Youtube video

Song:  Never Would Have Made it

Marvin Sapp

Hold on, This too Shall Pass

Kurt Carr – I Almost Let Go: http://youtu.be/4Fx3l2DMDh4

Some days are worse than others, please hold on.  It gets better.

Youtube video

Song:  I Almost Let Go

By Kurt Carr

God Will Hold You in the Midst of This Storm

Zacardi Cortez – God Held Me Together (Feat. James Fortune): http://youtu.be/U3E3iLYGefQ

I only had God to hold me while I road out the most painful times after my loss. He will do the same for you, hold on and pray without ceasing.

Youtube video

Song: God Held Me Together

By Zacardi Cortez

Out of Order: Dealing With the Death of a Child

YouTube video

I hope this video will shed light on some of my other postings so that just maybe those who need this or those who are reading my posts will better understand what we as parents, grieving are dealing with.

Thank you in advance

Healing Rightaway

Video from Youtube

Stand strong, the pain will lighten. God is really dealing with my spirit for someone who needs this healing today. I pray that, this person stumbles across my blog and find the strength to go on.

“I Need You Now”

Smokey Norful