Loss of Words

Healing, In the Midst of Pain

2017 has been a very trying year,  my best friend reeived news no mother wants to receive, yet she still continue to help other parents,  search for their missing babies. My nephew Mark Varner Jr. was found deceased. Lots of questions forever unanswered.

I have been the aunt who has always tried to reach out, just because. Once God gave us a began date, He has also decided our end date.  This is the comfort He gave me in my mourning, to let me know that, no matter how hard or what we do or want for our loved ones lives, he has already put in place a time when they  will return home.

I tried reaching out to my handsome smart nephew when I saw him experiencing some challenging moments in life, but no communication as received, i let it go as he would contact me if and when he wanted.  I continued to pray for him as I do all of my family on a daily basis. Should I have tried harder, could I have some how made a difference?  I could not have made a difference in God taking my nephew home, for his death is a mystery.

I find myself wanting to somehow, save my loved ones from the sheer pain of the reality theyre about to face in this whole cycle of, this new reality and going on with life. But, I cant, we all dont think, or see things the same way and some how if feel as if Im wanting them to see my views and what worked for me. What worked for me will not work for everyone, our faith, reality and coping mechanisms are, different.

I want to spare them of what suffered, but I cant. The reality is, we all have to go through  it. My best advice now is, it will get better in time and when you feel yourself getting stuck, dont stay there. Its a part of the shocking process, just dont allow yourself to stay in that sunken stuck place.

Loss of Words, I pray for you all  that, you are not allowing yourself, loved ones, or close frineds who have lost to remain in that sunken place. No words can truly heal, but prayer heals all things in time.

Rest in peace, My Nephew ( love you always)






What is a good age to lose a child?


What a question huh?

What age would have been ok to actually lose your child?  I hear people make statements like, “he / she was so young.”  I don’t think any age would have been ok to lose your child. Whether they were 1 or 101, they are still our baby.

Our kids are a part of us forever in life and death, we feel them inside out.  Just be assured that forever they will be with you in spirit.

Try this website to read some amazing reassuring Butterfly stories:



You can add your story to this web site about your Butterfly story, no matter who it was that you lost, its about your Butterfly experience after losing a loved one. My story is there. Missing you every day Sierra, my blue Butterfly.wpid-imag0203.jpg

Feel free to add your pictures and share your thoughts, comments and insights. What can you lend to someone in pain, or someone new to this journey and need to know, in time, it becomes more bearable.





Reflectng today for a moment.  On my way to work this morning, I was overcome with grief, after 10 years, it still hits like a lead balloon sometimes.  The hurt, the heaviness, the pain. Not too many have shared at all since creating this blog, it seemed mission was hopeless. Its hard to talk about, but only we have each other and truly know this pain, this side of life, this new, journey.  I moved a way, another state, another place in time I remained in my home for 9 years after loosing Sierra. I felt trapped in a bad nightmare that never ended.  I now live in an area where it’s beautiful, refreshing and beautiful colorful flowering tree’s all over. After completing an undergrad and masters degree, I felt no progress. The job market was horrible and I was drowning within myself, needing to get out, needing my minds eye to see a change, beauty, progress and change.  I have all of that now.  Yet, the pain is still here.

While the pain is still appearant, the change is amazing, free and beautiful.  Dont remain stuck in your circumstances. Change your scenary and refresh your minds eye.  Dont keep reliving the nightmare, in the same dream. Change what your minds eye see’s.  While the pain will hit now and again, the sadness lurks around daily, a change in scenary will refresh the spirit and give you that extra muscle to make it through.

No Regrets, loving my change, thousands of miles away from the tradgedy.

healing blue butterfly Missing my Sierra, my blue butterfly.

The Loss of a child or Lossed Child

help, In the Midst of Pain, mothers, pain, someone, sorrow, triggers, Uncategorized

To all who reads this blog, I am experiencing a devistating situation right now. My childhood friend has a missing 26yr old daughter. Her name is Monica Sykes, she just dissappeared about a month ago. I have gone through so many emotions watching my friend suffer the unknown. My God, which is worse the loss or the unknown?

There are so many young ladies being abducted and sent to other states and  countries being sold into sex slave situations. My God please pray for me and my friends family. It has brought back  so any emotions and unthikable emotions, how do I remain strong for her when I have experienced the loss, she has too but the unknown loss of a child. The wanting,waiting and the agony of what might be or what might be occuring to  her baby. I often think of her having to identify remains, the pain, oh God help my friend.

Post from facebook by mother Regina Sykes:

Striving for Greatness


“Moving Beyond the Pain”

I completed grad school in September 2015. I never thought I would go back, was the furthest thing from my mind. 

Trying to move forward with life, there are still goals I have and I still envision myself successful.  I feel God has me on a path, moving forward, He has work for me to do. I have not figured it out really, but it will be in an area where I can help others.  

While mothers day is around the corner, it is a time when most of us look forward to being celebrated.  For me, it is a sad holiday because I silently mourn for my grand daughters who do not have their mom, wondering how they truly feel inside. I still have my mom who will be 73 this year. I still draw close to her and from her spirit.  That motherly spirit.

I feel excited about my future and helping my grand daughters become vibrant beautiful and successful young women, you see, I get a do over. Now that school has been successfully completed, I can totally focus on career and my girls.  I asked God to allow me a salary that will enable me to put them in dance, music or sporting activities without struggle and constraints. I really feel that God is going to bless in these areas.  “I’m Excited!”  He is faithful

Life will present us with many setbacks, for some we feel we cannot move beyond. It is not what is presented to you that determines your outcome, it is how you, decide, to deal with it that dictates the outcome. Continue to find a way everyday to move beyond the pain. Take baby steps, make sure those steps count. Even if it is just, making a call to a close friend you have been out of touch with, but who is dear to your heart. Catch up, try to step out of your circumstances and your situation and allow yourself to enjoy small moments in life.  My family started making plans after about two years after My Sierra passed, just to meet out to dance and hangout. I was always the 7th or 5th wheel, with no date I did not care I was around family who I felt safe and secure around, who would not judge me and I could be my happy giddy old self.

You can do it, I complete a Bachelors in 2010 and a Masters in 2015, in the Midst of my pain and healing.

Everyday is another day to heal and move beyond the pain.







The Reality of the Loss


Loosing Kashawn

Sorry I have been on a break since completing grad school in September.  I just haven’t picked up this old laptop much.

I want to share with you the Reality of the Loss.  I had a young cousin who died in his sleep on February 16th this year. Kashawn was a gentle little kind spirit. He had these beautiful big puppy dog eyes that always captured my attention. He loved family and always greeted with a smile and a hug. He definitely made his big old cousin, Faith feel special and loved.

His mom is only in her early 30’s and to have to deal with this kind of pain. My God, I surely prayed that no else in my family would experience this pain. My poor little cousin, slept away…natural causes.  He had told his mom, it was time for him to go be with his daddy, who died prior to him. My cousin Sharonda, a gentle and loving mom and cousin who would give her last to help others. She always has a pleasant attitude and love for family as well.

My little cousin Sharonda, took it so hard when my Sierra died, they were months apart, but she felt like Sierra was her baby cousin I recall her crying out, “I was supposed to take care of her!!” , when my Sierra died.  I need for you all with all of your heart to pray for my cousin, she kept crying out, “Cousin this hurt so bad, how did you do it?”  I told her, she was made of tough stuff, she was a warrior, she can do it. I told her, it will get better in time, the pain will lift, just don’t give in to the dark side and pain of the loss.

I call her often, she has plenty of our cousins, her peers around her, I reach out and talk with her, just to give her some of my coping mechanisms. I told her anytime or day, call me if she needs to talk, cry  or get out and get away. At the end of the day, none of her peers, know her pain. Support is great, we all need it by different means. I always end our conversation with, I’m going to keep you in my prayers, I’m here cousin, I understand.

Since we grieve differently, this pain is universal, its like we are walking around in a time warp, or bubble, just existing and going through life.  At my new job, the are two moms that have lost their children to tragedy. I went and introduced  myself to them.  They too are quiet, pleasant souls. It truly changes us in a since. It’s like we are in a secret society of this loss and pain. Don’t be afraid to reach out to a mom or dad who has loosed. We are all we have in this knowing. Someone has to do Gods work in lending a hand in this loneliness and barren place of existence.

The featured photo is a painting by my Uncle Colonel Earnest Varner

Painting name:  You are Not Alone








Feeling Stuck

Healing, help, Uncategorized

165155_1746945751334_4263351_n in loving memory of Sierra and all of our children who have gone before us.

I want to give life to others in this blog who are experiencing the feeling of numbness, loss, emotionless and withdrawal from what others norm is after the loss of a child. “STUCK”

I often find myself here after 8yrs of loosing my Sierra.  There is no time frame in which healing occurs, its One Day at a Time. I will offer advice on feeling, “STUCK.”  When I feel stuck, I can just sit in my room in a place where I’m just there, watching television, away from my other family, just there. I’m not saddened, happy or even emotional, I’m just there. This is a result if the trauma of the loss and how it has effected me, who would have known, but I am quite aware. Is it a coping mechanism, possibly.

I have completed a bachelors and masters degree since I loosed my Sierra, had a mild stroke, been laid off from work, and still this feeling and time in life, is the same.

The only way I can get out of it is to force myself to move.  In the summer I would go for a walk, visit or get out and just go.  Now that the winter has come upon us, its harder to go to  get out of it. While in grad school, oh my, it surely woke me up and forced me out of it, so its like a decision. But there has to be some resilience there for this to occur. Everyone deals with this in different ways, there may not be the strength needed just to pull up and get out of it or realize you are in it this place, “STUCK.”  This place can become your normal which is very, very dangerous, this is why I am submitting this blog to you.

I have found times when I have been “STUCK,” it was like I was just there, nothing, like a mist of air in time. Then my right mind realized, hey you have chores to do, you need to cook before the kids get home from school, get up and go get a walk in, call your mom get out and take yourself to breakfast or lunch.  We have to be the opposite in this for ourselves.

Those of you who are lucky enough to have a strong support system, please let them know you are experiencing this so that they can check on you more or you can pickup the phone and say, “Hey, I’m in those feelings again, and they will know what to do to help you. I have found myself to be in a room of people and life was going on all around me, but I was not there, I was in that place, “STUCK.”

Its like loosed in a time capsule or in the room like a mist of smoke or air, just existing. Please do not allow this feeling overcome our life and become your normalcy. Talk to someone , join a blog or  forum, allow your support system to know so that you can get help and find coping mechanisms.

Write down your feelings, progress and forward thinking plans beyond your now.  We have to plan beyond the now to move forward in our life and healing process.

ONE DAY AT A TIME, is the key

FORWARD THINKING AND PLANNING,  moving beyond the now








Raven to a Butterfly

In the Midst of Pain, Uncategorized

Today I experienced pain for another mother. There was a page on Facebook, “Be Strong Raven,” that chronicled this young lady’s battle with cancer, her name was Raven Varner.  I am not aware of any relations but me and my granddaughters followed her page and prayed for her daily.

Ravens mom posted something a couple of days ago, and I felt something in my spirit in what she did not say. I felt Raven was coming to the end of her journey. Raven passed away this morning. I felt as if God prepared me for this, for we had been a part of her daily highs and lows with her illness. Her mom was a soldier and Raven fought a hard fight. I had to break the news to my youngest granddaughter, she took it ok. The oldest one was away for the weekend.  Raven responded a few times to things the girls said to her. Please be in prayer with me for this mom, if care to log into  Facebook and leave a message of support to Ravens mom, I never knew her name.

Thank you in advance.

Healing hands
























Another Birithday has Passed


Monday October 5th was Sierra’s Birthday.  My day started really normal, all weekend I knew it was coming, when I woke up Monday morning, the thought was not there.  I completed my masters 9/24/15 and have been in the process of trying to relocate to Texas, Atlanta and had a lead in Chattanooga TN.

Something in my spirit just had me to rest.  I had spent the week after class doing damage control. Addressing all the things that had been slightly neglected for the past year.  But, today my spirit said take today easy.  I did and to my surprise I received one of the calls I had been looking forward to receiving.  It was the job in Tennessee.

I called my mom first and still did not think of it as being my babies birthday.  I got up, dressed and got in my car and it hit me.  I had nowhere to go, went in a few directions, until I headed to he cemetery.  When I arrived, every entrance to her tomb, was blocked because they were repaving the streets. I used my instincts and found a way to her tomb within a block, got out and walked.

I sang happy birthday to her and my best friend who was on speaker phone, said happy birthday as well.  I do not related her being  there, it is like the writing on he wall for me.  I have her picture on the front of her tomb. When I go I have to read her name, physically touch the lettering and read the dates and look at her.  This feeling never gets to be normal.

Later when I picked up her girls from school, we went to the store and bought our three happy birthday butterfly  balloons, wrote our message to her and released them at her tomb site.

Try to create a tradition, without identifying them as being in that cemetery.  They are separated from the body in spirit, and our babies spirits is around us. We will see their beautiful faces again and hold them in our arms.

165155_1746945751334_4263351_n 10-5-86 to 8-26-07