When I hear of another parent who has lost, is almost like they now share this horrible secret of living on with this hole in our hearts, trying to come to grips with new normal, trying to figure out how to cope. I say the secret because we are so different now, and no one will know unless we tell, thats once the immediate shock and pain subsides.
We carry this secret because our family and closest friends at some point and time no longer want to hear about the event, the pain our conversations of our babies. We smile through tears, we show up at events less often and we sometimes feel guilty for enjoying life after our babies have gone on. My cousin who’s 5 year old son slept away, She has now opened up and started sharing with me. She was very young and I learned with her event, we all have to cope the way thats best for us, but it doesnt keep me from wanting to love on someone and try to stop the bleeding of this pain.
I do a lot of listening, but Im glad she is able to talk about it now and openly share memories of our lil family member. He was an amazingly sweet little angel, I miss his hugs and dreamy eyes. She is blessed that in this age of cell phone video use, to have lots photos of him and videos.
I still have restless nights where i sometimes wonder if I could have done something different that day, if the hospital did everything they could have, to save her. God pulls me up out of it and let me know , it was her time. I wish I could be the catalyst to create a group where a few times a year we meet up, have a beautiful outting and share. Enjoy a time with each out her without feeling guilty.
I had to pull away from a loved one who lossed because each time, i sink back down into a place and everyone dont have the same level of understanding, you cant hold it against them. Sometimes you have to pull back until they get to a place of, rising out of the storm, the immediate pain and loss. I truly believe God is with us in this place. When we are renewed and He helps us to learn to walk and talk again, our new normal.
I had to back away from my young cousin, i wanted to help so much, but i realized and God fed to my spirit, I got her, I prayed for her daily and left the line open for her to come to me. Five years later, we are having great conversations. She is my daughers age. I am so thankful that God carried her and I hear the maturity and spiritual growth in her conversation and spirit. I am thankful for having someone I can talk to who knows and understands and wont get annoyed with discussing our babies. Her and my daughter wer very close and both gentle loving yoiung ladies.
We carry this burden, this secret, we smile through tears and hold on day to day hoping for contact, hoping for a sign, carrying our memories as we once carried them……..
My favorite photo of my lil cousing Cookie taken before her son passed, the blue butterfly is my Daughter Sierra’s symbol.
Our Kashawn ……
Butterfly Angel Network 