The secret

When I hear of another parent who has lost, is almost like they now share this horrible secret of living on with this hole in our hearts, trying to come to grips with new normal, trying to figure out how to cope. I say the secret because we are so different now, and no one will know unless we tell, thats once the immediate shock and pain subsides.

We carry this secret because our family and closest friends at some point and time no longer want to hear about the event, the pain our conversations of our babies. We smile through tears, we show up at events less often and we sometimes feel guilty for enjoying life after our babies have gone on. My cousin who’s 5 year old son slept away, She has now opened up and started sharing with me. She was very young and I learned with her event, we all have to cope the way thats best for us, but it doesnt keep me from wanting to love on someone and try to stop the bleeding of this pain.

I do a lot of listening, but Im glad she is able to talk about it now and openly share memories of our lil family member. He was an amazingly sweet little angel, I miss his hugs and dreamy eyes. She is blessed that in this age of cell phone video use, to have lots photos of him and videos.

I still have restless nights where i sometimes wonder if I could have done something different that day, if the hospital did everything they could have, to save her. God pulls me up out of it and let me know , it was her time. I wish I could be the catalyst to create a group where a few times a year we meet up, have a beautiful outting and share. Enjoy a time with each out her without feeling guilty.

I had to pull away from a loved one who lossed because each time, i sink back down into a place and everyone dont have the same level of understanding, you cant hold it against them. Sometimes you have to pull back until they get to a place of, rising out of the storm, the immediate pain and loss. I truly believe God is with us in this place. When we are renewed and He helps us to learn to walk and talk again, our new normal.

I had to back away from my young cousin, i wanted to help so much, but i realized and God fed to my spirit, I got her, I prayed for her daily and left the line open for her to come to me. Five years later, we are having great conversations. She is my daughers age. I am so thankful that God carried her and I hear the maturity and spiritual growth in her conversation and spirit. I am thankful for having someone I can talk to who knows and understands and wont get annoyed with discussing our babies. Her and my daughter wer very close and both gentle loving yoiung ladies.

We carry this burden, this secret, we smile through tears and hold on day to day hoping for contact, hoping for a sign, carrying our memories as we once carried them……..

My favorite photo of my lil cousing Cookie taken before her son passed, the blue butterfly is my Daughter Sierra’s symbol.

Our Kashawn ……

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Beautiful Breakthrough

My daughters youngest daugher Ayana is now 15, she had just turned 2 less than a month before my daughter passed. While I have plenty of photos of her with her mom, she has no vivid memories of her mom. A few days ago we were talking and teasing her about how clingy she was as a baby to her mom, we gave her the name Cryana, her actual name is Ayana. She wouldnt allow my daugher out of her sniffing scent range, she cried all the time, I sometimes wonder, “did she know?”

Ayana and I watched a program on Netflix as I did on many occasions with my children when they were young, about death, reincornation and after life experiences as well as visits from loved ones. She had a dream that night of Sierra, she said we were at our old home and she saw Sierra, she said her mom looked so pretty and had a beautiful soft voice. She said she started crying so hard and her mom held her, she gets emotional just taling about this dream. I feel her emotion, it really touched her.

I do believe my daughter knew she was going to pass, she told me in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. I think this prepared me and it wasnt a shock because she told me. We have to have an open mind to the fact that we are only here but for a short time, we are spiritual being having a natural experience. There are ways our loved ones will visit that only we will know. My dad visits and I smell his unique scent. It confirms what God has put in my spirit for an undurestanding of this life, as we experience it on earth.

I thanked my baby for visiting her daughter for visiting her baby. She really needed that confirmation of love, how awesome is our God.

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The Reality of the New Normal

Since the loss of Sierra, I had to become adjusted to my new normal. I was blessed with raising my two grand daughters and now have been blessed with two grandsons who are absolutely adorable. My son is still hurting and dealing with loss in his own way, I can see how it is still impacting him through his relationships and the women he choses. I feel sad for him because I dont know his pain, all I can do is love on him and pay attention to whats going on behind those eyes.

I have since had a brother who lossed a son, he then pased two years later, a best friends daughter passed, two step sisters who lossed sons just a a months ago all since 2017. Lord how I prayed for no one else in my circle would experience this pain. But God has his own plans for our lives. We all have a begining end date from the moment we arrive. I find myself looking at my grandchildren and my son sometimes afraid wondering how my God has planned and when they will go home. I just cant get that thought out of my head but, I dont dwell on it, but it does cross my mind.

My new normal is being afraid of what life will offer me after my granddaughters are out of highschool and Im alone after raising two sets of children. I am going through a divorce which I am regretting, thought he was the one who would last for a lifetime. I never allowed many in my life while raising my children and I am the same while raising my granddaughters. I allowed this one in who caught me at a time where considered a relationship after completing an undergrad and graduate degree, since the loss of my daughter 2007. I wanted to make sure I was beyond the pain and was fully ready to give someone a chance in my life. He had great qualities, but was not a faithful person.

I have to consider after the sacrifice of raising my two, the loss of one and starting over with two, I just dont have the strenghth to deal with someone who was not going to be condusive to my life, starting over. My new normal is filled with the constant thought of what demise I will face with my two grands Im raising of my daughters, looking at my son and hoping to God, He will not take him nor my grands before its my time. I pray that I live to see them all successful, stable and in a great place before its my time. I find myself praying to God to cover and blessed them, as I always have with my own.

My new normal consists of being a sort of impath for others losing children and trying to fight the feeling. I have to turn away from news stories and pray often. My two step sisters lossed their boys in August this year a week apart. I could not sleep for days. I could not be there for them, they both are distant and in other states. One in denial and the other, I was not sure how she managed, she had not believed in God for sometime. On the other hand, the other grew up in church, played the organ, sang in the choir and step dad was a baptist minister, she was angry with God.

My new normal of coping is accepting that I cant help everyone, its not my responsibility. I do ask God to show up and help them cope as He he so graciously did for me. Depending on what people are going through in life, relationships and reality, their grief will be differnt, but the pain will be the same. Thats one thing we can all agree upon, the pain is the same. The pain and memories of the day and greif never goes away, I find myself from time to time, going there.

My new normal is knowing, sometimes I will be in that sunken place, I will live with a hole in my heart, my thoughts and my experiences. I realize my daughter will always be present in my words and my heart although absent in my physical reality. We can always help those experiencing this life, in a loving gentle and silent manner if its nothing other than keeping them covered through the initial shock of the storm. I live in a sort of depressed silent state. I have great days, I move forward and I smile, laugh and enjoy life…. but there is always times when I am in the sunken place, I still get stuck. I pray to win the lottery so I will not have to worry about career goals and finance. I would love to move to peaceful place where I volunteer for yout as I want and when in my state of the sunken place, I could just have the day or days to do as I want to enjoy my time until the pain eases again.

In your new normal, pray often, have an outlet and do things you enjoy, and never treat your baby like they didnt exist by covering up their memories, joy and life. If needed, help another get through the storm until the waves mellows out and they are able to just stand in the rain and cope.

I give honor to my heavenly Father for being present and helping me through the storm, being my umbrella when it starts raining memories and pain, being the blanket that covers me when I just want to lay in bed and deal with the sunken place.

My new normal

Loss of Words

2017 has been a very trying year,  my best friend reeived news no mother wants to receive, yet she still continue to help other parents,  search for their missing babies. My nephew Mark Varner Jr. was found deceased. Lots of questions forever unanswered.

I have been the aunt who has always tried to reach out, just because. Once God gave us a began date, He has also decided our end date.  This is the comfort He gave me in my mourning, to let me know that, no matter how hard or what we do or want for our loved ones lives, he has already put in place a time when they  will return home.

I tried reaching out to my handsome smart nephew when I saw him experiencing some challenging moments in life, but no communication as received, i let it go as he would contact me if and when he wanted.  I continued to pray for him as I do all of my family on a daily basis. Should I have tried harder, could I have some how made a difference?  I could not have made a difference in God taking my nephew home, for his death is a mystery.

I find myself wanting to somehow, save my loved ones from the sheer pain of the reality theyre about to face in this whole cycle of, this new reality and going on with life. But, I cant, we all dont think, or see things the same way and some how if feel as if Im wanting them to see my views and what worked for me. What worked for me will not work for everyone, our faith, reality and coping mechanisms are, different.

I want to spare them of what suffered, but I cant. The reality is, we all have to go through  it. My best advice now is, it will get better in time and when you feel yourself getting stuck, dont stay there. Its a part of the shocking process, just dont allow yourself to stay in that sunken stuck place.

Loss of Words, I pray for you all  that, you are not allowing yourself, loved ones, or close frineds who have lost to remain in that sunken place. No words can truly heal, but prayer heals all things in time.

Rest in peace, My Nephew ( love you always)

 

 

 

 

What Color is Your Butterfly?

My butterfly is blue:

 

What is a good age to lose a child?

What a question huh?

What age would have been ok to actually lose your child?  I hear people make statements like, “he / she was so young.”  I don’t think any age would have been ok to lose your child. Whether they were 1 or 101, they are still our baby.

Our kids are a part of us forever in life and death, we feel them inside out.  Just be assured that forever they will be with you in spirit.

Try this website to read some amazing reassuring Butterfly stories:

www.butterflywebsite.com/discover/stories.cfm

 

You can add your story to this web site about your Butterfly story, no matter who it was that you lost, its about your Butterfly experience after losing a loved one. My story is there. Missing you every day Sierra, my blue Butterfly.

Feel free to add your pictures and share your thoughts, comments and insights. What can you lend to someone in pain, or someone new to this journey and need to know, in time, it becomes more bearable.

 

 

Reflections

Reflectng today for a moment.  On my way to work this morning, I was overcome with grief, after 10 years, it still hits like a lead balloon sometimes.  The hurt, the heaviness, the pain. Not too many have shared at all since creating this blog, it seemed mission was hopeless. Its hard to talk about, but only we have each other and truly know this pain, this side of life, this new, journey.  I moved a way, another state, another place in time I remained in my home for 9 years after loosing Sierra. I felt trapped in a bad nightmare that never ended.  I now live in an area where it’s beautiful, refreshing and beautiful colorful flowering tree’s all over. After completing an undergrad and masters degree, I felt no progress. The job market was horrible and I was drowning within myself, needing to get out, needing my minds eye to see a change, beauty, progress and change.  I have all of that now.  Yet, the pain is still here.

While the pain is still appearant, the change is amazing, free and beautiful.  Dont remain stuck in your circumstances. Change your scenary and refresh your minds eye.  Dont keep reliving the nightmare, in the same dream. Change what your minds eye see’s.  While the pain will hit now and again, the sadness lurks around daily, a change in scenary will refresh the spirit and give you that extra muscle to make it through.

No Regrets, loving my change, thousands of miles away from the tradgedy.

 Missing my Sierra, my blue butterfly.

The Loss of a child or Lossed Child

To all who reads this blog, I am experiencing a devistating situation right now. My childhood friend has a missing 26yr old daughter. Her name is Monica Sykes, she just dissappeared about a month ago. I have gone through so many emotions watching my friend suffer the unknown. My God, which is worse the loss or the unknown?

There are so many young ladies being abducted and sent to other states and  countries being sold into sex slave situations. My God please pray for me and my friends family. It has brought back  so any emotions and unthikable emotions, how do I remain strong for her when I have experienced the loss, she has too but the unknown loss of a child. The wanting,waiting and the agony of what might be or what might be occuring to  her baby. I often think of her having to identify remains, the pain, oh God help my friend.

Post from facebook by mother Regina Sykes:

Striving for Greatness

“Moving Beyond the Pain”

I completed grad school in September 2015. I never thought I would go back, was the furthest thing from my mind. 

Trying to move forward with life, there are still goals I have and I still envision myself successful.  I feel God has me on a path, moving forward, He has work for me to do. I have not figured it out really, but it will be in an area where I can help others.  

While mothers day is around the corner, it is a time when most of us look forward to being celebrated.  For me, it is a sad holiday because I silently mourn for my grand daughters who do not have their mom, wondering how they truly feel inside. I still have my mom who will be 73 this year. I still draw close to her and from her spirit.  That motherly spirit.

I feel excited about my future and helping my grand daughters become vibrant beautiful and successful young women, you see, I get a do over. Now that school has been successfully completed, I can totally focus on career and my girls.  I asked God to allow me a salary that will enable me to put them in dance, music or sporting activities without struggle and constraints. I really feel that God is going to bless in these areas.  “I’m Excited!”  He is faithful

Life will present us with many setbacks, for some we feel we cannot move beyond. It is not what is presented to you that determines your outcome, it is how you, decide, to deal with it that dictates the outcome. Continue to find a way everyday to move beyond the pain. Take baby steps, make sure those steps count. Even if it is just, making a call to a close friend you have been out of touch with, but who is dear to your heart. Catch up, try to step out of your circumstances and your situation and allow yourself to enjoy small moments in life.  My family started making plans after about two years after My Sierra passed, just to meet out to dance and hangout. I was always the 7th or 5th wheel, with no date I did not care I was around family who I felt safe and secure around, who would not judge me and I could be my happy giddy old self.

You can do it, I complete a Bachelors in 2010 and a Masters in 2015, in the Midst of my pain and healing.

Everyday is another day to heal and move beyond the pain.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Reality of the Loss

Loosing Kashawn

Sorry I have been on a break since completing grad school in September.  I just haven’t picked up this old laptop much.

I want to share with you the Reality of the Loss.  I had a young cousin who died in his sleep on February 16th this year. Kashawn was a gentle little kind spirit. He had these beautiful big puppy dog eyes that always captured my attention. He loved family and always greeted with a smile and a hug. He definitely made his big old cousin, Faith feel special and loved.

His mom is only in her early 30’s and to have to deal with this kind of pain. My God, I surely prayed that no else in my family would experience this pain. My poor little cousin, slept away…natural causes.  He had told his mom, it was time for him to go be with his daddy, who died prior to him. My cousin Sharonda, a gentle and loving mom and cousin who would give her last to help others. She always has a pleasant attitude and love for family as well.

My little cousin Sharonda, took it so hard when my Sierra died, they were months apart, but she felt like Sierra was her baby cousin I recall her crying out, “I was supposed to take care of her!!” , when my Sierra died.  I need for you all with all of your heart to pray for my cousin, she kept crying out, “Cousin this hurt so bad, how did you do it?”  I told her, she was made of tough stuff, she was a warrior, she can do it. I told her, it will get better in time, the pain will lift, just don’t give in to the dark side and pain of the loss.

I call her often, she has plenty of our cousins, her peers around her, I reach out and talk with her, just to give her some of my coping mechanisms. I told her anytime or day, call me if she needs to talk, cry  or get out and get away. At the end of the day, none of her peers, know her pain. Support is great, we all need it by different means. I always end our conversation with, I’m going to keep you in my prayers, I’m here cousin, I understand.

Since we grieve differently, this pain is universal, its like we are walking around in a time warp, or bubble, just existing and going through life.  At my new job, the are two moms that have lost their children to tragedy. I went and introduced  myself to them.  They too are quiet, pleasant souls. It truly changes us in a since. It’s like we are in a secret society of this loss and pain. Don’t be afraid to reach out to a mom or dad who has loosed. We are all we have in this knowing. Someone has to do Gods work in lending a hand in this loneliness and barren place of existence.

The featured photo is a painting by my Uncle Colonel Earnest Varner

Painting name:  You are Not Alone